My Own Siddhartha Journey

At this point in my life, I have a great amount of self confidence and self worth.  However, it hasn't always been that way.  Within the last four years, I've had ups and downs with friends and experiences, hurting my self confidence and self worth.  I finally broke free of all the negativity and started over.  I had a whole new set of friends, a different attitude toward life, and best of all, I finally obtained a sense of self confidence and self worth.  Like Siddhartha, I was on a journey, only my "enlightenment" was my self dignity.

  Eighth grade was the beginning of my journey.  On the outside, it looked as if I had it all- amazing friends, popularity, the "it" items, and academic success.  However on the inside, I was not happy. Siddhartha "himself was not happy" (5).  We both weren't content at where we were, for different reasons though. 

My friends made fun of me, teased me constantly, never treated me the same as they treated each other.  I never felt so down about myself; I was miserable. I felt horrible about myself; I thought I was the reason why this was all happening to me. My self confidence and self worth were at an all time low.  Though I had this great social status, I realized I did not want that.  I decided to confront my friends about my feelings. Siddhartha did the same with Govinda when he wanted to join the Samanas.  Unlike Govinda, however, my so called "friends" told me I was overreacting and that I should be happy I am friends with them since other girls would love to be their friend.  At that moment, I positively knew that it was time to move on. 

Just as Siddhartha was on his own after Govinda followed the Buddha, so was I.  We were both alone on our journeys.  High school was my "awakening".  In the chapter of Awakening, Siddhartha looks around "as if he's seeing the world for the first time" (39).  The same could be said about my journey.  When I entered Paramus Catholic, I saw a school full of experiences, options, and most importantly, family.  I was determined to make new friends and fit in with people who truly liked me for who I was. 

Everything was going fine for awhile. I made some friends, but I wasn't exactly super close with them.  Yet, I could tell my self confidence was building; I was breaking out of my shell and talking to people.  However, I had a setback when my old friends called and told me they changed and wanted me to join them again.  Just like Siddhartha giving into Kamala and the materialistic world, I gave in to my friends who were luring me back. "He accepted all that the people brought to him" (70). Siddhartha accepted presents and fine clothes.  I accepted the teasing, the ordering me around, the name calling.

I'm not sure what made me leave the second time around.  I just knew that I had enough. I could not change them, and they certainly weren't changing themselves.  I was feeling the lowest I had ever been. Siddhartha felt the lowest he had ever been by the river. "He wished passionately for oblivion, to be at rest, to be dead" (87).  My feelings were similar to Siddhartha, although I never had thoughts of death. I spent the summer before sophomore year home most of the time, either with my family or hanging out with one of my friends from my dance class. I remember crying myself to sleep many summer nights that year. 

When sophomore year came, I finally obtained self confidence and self worth.  I made a great friend.  One day, we were talking and somehow the conversation got deep. She told me stories, and I told her about my past friendship.  She then told me that I was better than that.  She said I didn't deserve it and that they lost a great person.  For some reason, at that moment, I believed her.  She was right! No person should ever be treated like that.  She was my "river"; she showed me my "enlightenment".  My self worth was back, and I was confident in myself and in my new friendship.  Siddhartha was enlightened by the river; "he was aware of a great happiness mounting within him" (97).  Like Siddhartha, I was filled with happiness again. 

Today I have so much confidence in myself.  I don't care if my new friends aren't "cool" enough. I don't care if I'm not popular. I don't care if I don't have the latest CD or handbag.  What matters to me is my self confidence and self worth. No one and nothing can ever take that away from me now.