My Own Siddhartha Journey

At this point in my life, I have a great amount of self confidence and self worth.  However, it hasn't always been that way.  Within the last four years, I've had ups and downs with friends and experiences, hurting my self confidence and self worth.  I finally broke free of all the negativity and started over.  I had a whole new set of friends, a different attitude toward life, and best of all, I finally obtained a sense of self confidence and self worth.  Like Siddhartha, I was on a journey, only my "enlightenment" was my self dignity.

  Eighth grade was the beginning of my journey.  On the outside, it looked as if I had it all- amazing friends, popularity, the "it" items, and academic success.  However on the inside, I was not happy. Siddhartha "himself was not happy" (5).  We both weren't content at where we were, for different reasons though. 

My friends made fun of me, teased me constantly, never treated me the same as they treated each other.  I never felt so down about myself; I was miserable. I felt horrible about myself; I thought I was the reason why this was all happening to me. My self confidence and self worth were at an all time low.  Though I had this great social status, I realized I did not want that.  I decided to confront my friends about my feelings. Siddhartha did the same with Govinda when he wanted to join the Samanas.  Unlike Govinda, however, my so called "friends" told me I was overreacting and that I should be happy I am friends with them since other girls would love to be their friend.  At that moment, I positively knew that it was time to move on. 

Just as Siddhartha was on his own after Govinda followed the Buddha, so was I.  We were both alone on our journeys.  High school was my "awakening".  In the chapter of Awakening, Siddhartha looks around "as if he's seeing the world for the first time" (39).  The same could be said about my journey.  When I entered Paramus Catholic, I saw a school full of experiences, options, and most importantly, family.  I was determined to make new friends and fit in with people who truly liked me for who I was. 

Everything was going fine for awhile. I made some friends, but I wasn't exactly super close with them.  Yet, I could tell my self confidence was building; I was breaking out of my shell and talking to people.  However, I had a setback when my old friends called and told me they changed and wanted me to join them again.  Just like Siddhartha giving into Kamala and the materialistic world, I gave in to my friends who were luring me back. "He accepted all that the people brought to him" (70). Siddhartha accepted presents and fine clothes.  I accepted the teasing, the ordering me around, the name calling.

I'm not sure what made me leave the second time around.  I just knew that I had enough. I could not change them, and they certainly weren't changing themselves.  I was feeling the lowest I had ever been. Siddhartha felt the lowest he had ever been by the river. "He wished passionately for oblivion, to be at rest, to be dead" (87).  My feelings were similar to Siddhartha, although I never had thoughts of death. I spent the summer before sophomore year home most of the time, either with my family or hanging out with one of my friends from my dance class. I remember crying myself to sleep many summer nights that year. 

When sophomore year came, I finally obtained self confidence and self worth.  I made a great friend.  One day, we were talking and somehow the conversation got deep. She told me stories, and I told her about my past friendship.  She then told me that I was better than that.  She said I didn't deserve it and that they lost a great person.  For some reason, at that moment, I believed her.  She was right! No person should ever be treated like that.  She was my "river"; she showed me my "enlightenment".  My self worth was back, and I was confident in myself and in my new friendship.  Siddhartha was enlightened by the river; "he was aware of a great happiness mounting within him" (97).  Like Siddhartha, I was filled with happiness again. 

Today I have so much confidence in myself.  I don't care if my new friends aren't "cool" enough. I don't care if I'm not popular. I don't care if I don't have the latest CD or handbag.  What matters to me is my self confidence and self worth. No one and nothing can ever take that away from me now.

With Vasudeva

Physically: Siddhartha, still in fine clothes meets the ferryman, Vasudeva, and envies his life. Vasudeva takes Siddhartha in and he changes his lifestyle. Siddhartha lives with the ferryman and becomes his assistance. He learns many new things from Vasudeva.
Mentally: Siddhartha is awakened by the river. He believes "no true seeker could not accept any teachings not if he sincerely wished to find something" (110). Teachings alone will not help you find something. He has learned that the experiences are what make you find it. He did just that and he attained peace.
Spiritually: With Vasudeva and being by the river, Siddhartha is the happiest he has been. He attained peace and enlightenment. He is completely content with his life.

Socially: Siddhartha meets Vasudeva and instantly connects to him. Vasudeva is an excellent listener while Siddhartha talks. They live and work happily together. He also comes in contact with Kamala after many years. Now Siddhartha has a son and must learn how to care for him after Kamala dies.

Important Quote and Significance: "You have already learned from the river that it is good to strive downwards, to sink, to seek the depths" (105). Vasudeva is telling Siddhartha that the down, low, and bad experiences that have happened make you who you are. They help you get to where you are and overall shape what you've become.

By the River

Physically: Siddhartha goes by a river and feels upset about himself.  He falls asleep by a river and wishes he was dead.

Mentally: At this point in time, Siddhartha does not know what to think or do anymore.  He contemplates suicide and is quite close to dying.  However, he falls asleep and awakens with Govinda by him.  Siddhartha still believes he is a spiritual person in search of enlightenment.

Spiritually: In the beginning, Siddhartha is not happy with his life at all and wants to be dead.  However, the Om returns and Siddhartha's spiritual self is back and is back onto the path of enlightenment.He is awakened again.

Socially: Siddhartha sees his good friend Govinda again.  Govinda is still a follower of Gotama.  Siddhartha and Govinda depart, and Siddhartha goes on his way to enlightenment.

Important Quote and Significance: "Siddhartha was transitory, all forms were transitory, but today he was young, he was a child- the new Siddhartha- and he was very happy" (100).  The river had awakened Siddhartha so much that he felt like a different person.  No longer was he truth seeking, materialistic Siddhartha.  He was happy that he realized that he was trying too hard and found the path back to enlightenment.

In Samsara

Physically: Siddhartha is in good health.  He is also wealthy and is surrounded by people.  He has a relationship with Kamala, and he has a job as a merchant. He soon leaves without letting anyone know.

Mentally: Siddhartha has a great life, however, he feels unfulfilled and realizes he has been living in  Samsara, just like the other people. He decides to move on. 

Spiritually: Siddhartha is not as happy at this point. He is living in Samsara and isn't on his way to find enlightenment. 

Socially: Although he had Kamala and was with other people, Siddhartha decides to leave and go back on his journey.
Important Quote and Significance: "The world had caught him; pleasure, covetousness, idleness, and finally the vice that he had always despised and scorned as the most foolish-acquistiveness" (79).  Siddhartha finally realizes that he has been caught in a world of materialism and sin.  He is not on his way of enlightenment.  He feels foolish for following the things he once made fun of. 

Wirh the Buddha

physically: Siddhartha and Govinda go to town where the Buddha is located.  Siddhartha at this point has left the Samana lifestyle.  He confronts the Buddha and questions him.  Govinda, on the other hand, becomes a follower of Buddha, leaving Siddhartha alone on his journey.

mentally: Siddhartha has been hoping to find something to help him find the path of enlightenment.  This leads him to talk to the Buddha.  However, his conversation with Gotama, the Buddha, convinces him that there is no certain, direct way to achieve salvation and enlightenment.

spiritually: Siddhartha does not truly believe in everything the Buddha teaches.  Though he thinks it is good teaching, he believes one must achieve enlightenment through one's own experiences.  He has not achieved NIrvana or enlightenment yet. 

socially: This is the first time Siddhartha does not join something.  He doesn't become a follower of Gotama like Govinda.  Instead, he is truly on his own without anyone. 

Important Quote and Significance: "That is why I am going on my way- not to seek another and better doctrine- for I know there is none, but to reach my goal alone- or die" (34).  Siddhartha finally realizes that teachings and doctrines are not the way to achieve enlightenment.  He discovers that only he himself can do it through experiences alone, not with the help of anyone else. 

With the Samanas

Physically: As a Samana, Siddhartha is completely physically different.  He and Govinda dress in rags and look beaten, haggard, and emaciated due to fasting.  His was not well kept. 

Mentally: Siddhartha embraces the rituals and lifestyle of the Samanas and quickly adjusts.  He becomes empty so he can "let the Self die" (14). He learned a lot from the Samanas;  however, he would lose the Self then gain it again, just one continuous circle.  He began questioning his beliefs again and confronts Govinda about his opinions.  He no longer wants to be a Samana since he is not attaining Nirvana. 

Spiritually: At first, Siddhartha believes he has achieved losing Self, but soon realizes he still has it. He begins to believe that the Samana lifestyle will not help him attain peace and Nirvana.  He decides to move on.

Socially: Siddhartha is still quite close with his friend Govinda.  However, when Govinda separates and decides to follow Gotama, the Buddha instead.  Siddhartha goes on his own path of discovery. 

Important Quote and Significance: "He lost his Self a thousand times and for days on end he dwelt in non-being. But although the paths took him away from Self, in the end they always led back to it" (15).  Just when Siddhartha believes his has attained enlightenment, it temporarily lasts.  He is frustrated with the results of the Samana lifestyle and moves on. This is the beginning of Siddhartha's journey.

In His Hometown

Physically: Siddhartha is the Brahmin's son and is a young Brahmin himself.  He is perceived by his friends, especially Govinda, and townspeople as a handsome, fit, slender, graceful man. He has mastered his rituals and religion as a Brahmin. 

Mentally: Although intelligent and a gifted Brahmin, who is destined for greatness as one, Siddhartha begins to question his faith.  He is not happy and dissatified.  He believes he has learned enough knowledge from the Brahmins, but he must find his Self.  He encounters Samanas and decides to join them.

Spiritually: Siddhartha's soul was not at peace.  He wasn't fully satisfied with being a Brahmin.  He does not believe they have achieved enlightenment. "Siddhartha began to feel the seeds of discontent within him" (5).  He is dissatified and desires a different path of life with hope that he will find his Self.

Socially: Siddhartha is a well-respected man, coming from a well-respected family. Like Siddhartha, his father is also a Brahmin.  He has a good friend Govinda, with whom he confides in. "He delighted and made everyone happy" (5). He was well liked in his community, judging from the quote. 

Important Quote and Significance: "The sacrifices and the supplication of the gods were excellent- but were they everything?" (6).  Though Siddhartha is in a high respected social class as a Brahmin and is excellent as what he does, he still feels he is missing something. Seemingly, he has it all, yet something inside him is saying that there is more out there to learn and experience in order to reach the level of peace he was attempting to obtain.